2020 - Processing Grief and a Year of Flow
HOLY COW, it’s been one hell of a year! 2020 will be one everyone remembers, for obvious reasons.
I know that this year looked different from what we hoped and expected. The COVID pandemic that caught us all by surprise and things happening left and right before we even had time to get still and process. For so many, this will be the time that changed the directory of our lives. The year that brought lots of pain, struggles, and disappointments. Grief, sadness, and loneliness. Politically I think it brought a lot of core issues to the forefront and while some of them, it created more of a divide, we’re talking more about them, which is necessary and good if you ask me.
We can never erase what’s been done, but we can certainly try to ensure horrible situations don’t happen again and I hope this is a time where we all reflect on what we all can do individually to decrease our footprint on earth to ensure future generations are going to be safe and okay. Our children and their children, we cannot live so selfishly that we forget how we are impacting our world today. We cant neglect the fact that life in the future could look much differently if we don’t take a hard look at how we are living in the now.
Check out my blog post on 2020 Word of the Year & Reflections
For me personally, It’s been a year of all the above. I’ve reflected a lot on grief, grieving where we are in the world and grieving of strangers. I’m an empath and it’s tough to just turn a blind eye at what’s happening around the world. If I come across anyone's name and obituary even prior to this year, I’d say a little: “I hope you had a great life and rest in peace, first name and last name.” It’s a practice of mine to honor the life of those who have passed. It’s disheartening to know I can’t do that for everyone and it dramatically increased this year due to the pandemic. I believe everyone deserves a proper send off as the world for them closes.
This year I reflected a lot on the loss of family and how family has never been anything of what you may know it to be. I am essentially an orphan, with estranged relationships with my siblings due to being raised in an environment of violence and abuse. But late 2019, my biological mother passed away which brought up a lot of emotions throughout the year that was knocking down my door to pay attention to, dissect, and understand more. The thing about grief and loss is that no matter who you see that has passed - that may flash across your devices - you’ll always remember those you know who have passed, all of your previous grief surfaces.
My relationship with my mother was estranged as she played a part in enabling my abusers and making choices that eroded the relationship. During her time of passing, her organs began to fail, cirrhosis of the liver was the main culprit. But I did my best to separate my feelings from the situation at hand which was that she was headed out of the world and despite the things she did or didn’t do or struggled to express her love to her children, I know she deserved a peaceful, loving, and honorable send off. I think everyone does. We get a beautiful chance to be part of this world, we should all get to experience life fully and sometimes due to all the unfortunate circumstances we don’t always get to. This is honestly part of my mission on earth I feel like: to help people realize and to truly embody the fact that we only get one life and we have to truly feel all it’s blessings and joy, amongst all the negative and bad things that can unfortunately unfold.
All of this to say, grief and loss is a monster to unravel, dissect, and process. It wasn’t until I got home - in my sacred space and a few weeks later that I began to truly burst open the mother wound and process the true loss of her. Years prior I had to let go of what roles she should play in my life, let go of the hope of a certain future because I learned it was never going to happen. This is part of the healing work and it's debilitating to know something you desire will never happen because of that person. I had to grieve her already which I know played a massive part in this process of grieving and healing. Regardless of her actions, she brought me into this world, I am alive because of her, I get to experience this precious world because of her and for that I am grateful.
The biggest reflection with grief and loss is life is never a guarantee and with that we have to live fully. I personally don’t want to reach my death bed with regrets or hurt because I got in my own way because the thoughts or perceptions of other people stopped me before I even got started.
2020 was an awakening year for me and my growth towards my desires and dissecting past wounds and heavy emotions. It served as a reminder that we truly do get to work on removing the things that impact us negatively or warp our minds and we can create the life we want to live and not let other things get in the way of that. My word of the year was flow and flow is what I did.
Let me know in the comments below how your 2020 was or what your thoughts are on grief. My thoughts are with you during this time.
With love,